Essay #15

Theoretically, it would be really cool to play an instrument. I have tried. When I was younger, my parents forced me to take piano and guitar lessons. As a kid, I thought everything they pushed me to do was bad, so, of course, I didn’t like it. In sixth grade, I started taking drum lessons and enjoyed them, but my teacher moved away, and I never looked for a new instructor.  

That said, music is probably one of the most important elements of my life. It has been an integral part of who I am since before I even knew what music was. For all I know, they played songs for me when I was in the womb. My dad was always in a band, and he and my grandpa had vinyl records everywhere around their houses. 

Music by the Beatles and Bob Marley was constantly playing in our house. My grandfather had a huge colorful jukebox with songs by Elvis Costello, Patsy Cline, and Hank Williams at his house. He had a jar full of quarters for me to use any time I wanted to play a tune. I remember thinking it was funny that you had to put in a quarter to play, but then he could just retrieve the money to use again. 

Then came Nevermind by Nirvana. When I was seven, my family was driving to Wisconsin from Chicago. For some reason, I was not a happy camper, and I started to throw a temper tantrum. My dad handed me his iPod and told me that I could pick any album on it. That’s when I saw the album with a naked baby under water on the cover: the iconic Nirvana album. It calmed me down. It is the type of music that has so much going on that it distracts you from your problems; you just have to listen to the music. I was hooked immediately.  

Music was also one of the key elements that connected me to a new friend I met when my family moved from Chicago to Maryland. Landen and I did everything together: bike riding, skateboarding, skiing, and listening to hip hop. Our favorites at the time were Lil Baby, Polo G, and other mainstream artists. Over the years, we moved on to different genres: Smashing Pumpkins, Tame Impala, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Kanye West—before he went crazy—and Kendrick Lamar. Our favorite album was Blond by Frank Ocean. We knew every song word for word. 

Because Landen had problems with drugs and alcohol, he loved listening to musicians, such as Lil Peep and Mac Miller, who suffered from similar addictions. In 2022, I was devastated when Landen died of an overdose. The music we shared was a crutch I used to help me cope. The lyrics and songs comforted me by reminding me of outstanding memories of our time together rather than the sad reality that he was gone. 

Although I’ll never recover from Landen’s death, music has helped me find the resilience and fortitude to get through the pain of his absence. In my music evolution, I’ve circled back to some of the very first bands that excited me, such as Nirvana and The Cranberries. Today I use music to lift my mood, motivate myself to cope with stress—like I did on that long car ride with my family—and remember people I love. It connects me to others. It is astonishing what you can learn about others based on the music they enjoy. 

As much as I hate to admit that my parents were right, I wish I’d learned to play an instrument well, but just being able to share music with Landen and my other friends has made me feel so much closer to them, and music—even if it’s not material I’ve written or played—has helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life.